Coming off my medication / blog / overthinking

Told myself last night (and others too) that I’m no longer posting on itsmindful. Mainly because i don’t have a laptop, but with a lot to do with I’m moving past being so focused on labels, diagnosis, mental health in general. Not that I’m not focusing on my mental health, but I’ve come to the relisation to be free from anxiety i need to be free from it completely.

So first of all. Im going off my medication. Today is day three. No lexapro!

Why was i on medication? Well, i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. But the ruler of most of my problems was my obsessions with food. My “eating disorder”.

If you know much about either of those diagnoses is that, both issues come with very similar symptoms. In my own understanding and many others, is you cannot fully heal from anxiety if you have not fully healed from the eating disorder.

Why? Because if you under eat, and its actually a lot easier than you think to under eat you put your body in a state of starvation syndrome.

Starvation syndrome effects how your brain functions. So you experience social changes, dissociative tendencies, a preoccupation with food and weight and also anxiety… I remember at my worst it wasn’t anxiety it was straight up paranoid.

Anyway. In my full and open honesty, I didn’t want to get better when i was in starvation syndrome. And I’ve only just got out of it all in the last month or so.

Amazing things happen when you eat in abundance, live life in abundance and do what you love.

OKAY so. Where am I even going with this.

Oh yes.

Medication.

Im going off it because of a few reasons.

1. I’ve learnt lessons about my physical health that I want to take on without medication so i have a more holistic approach to my mental health.

2. Im beginning to feel numb. Detached. “Ehhh”. I didn’t mind it at first because i was at a different stage of recovery, but now… I want to feel my full self again. For a while lexapro helped me feel myself (from comparison to a very anxious self) but now i feel I’m missing something. 😦 i miss chlooooee

3. I miss my irrational side. Like im just tooooo rational at the moment. Too logical. Its not me ??? For a bit I blamed my ex, “ugh he made my like this”. (Sorry I don’t actually blame u) took me time to tell myself: hun, you’re detached from your emotions. Which isn’t you. Its probably because you’ve been on medication long enough.

4. I guess my labido did change! Because now I’ve been off lexapro for three days, there has been a HUGE difference in my labido. 😤 all this time!

5. I’ve noticed I don’t fully connect with others or empathize as whole heartedly as i use to. Again… detached. Not into it!

OK. So this post is a real mess. But the reason I wanted to share about my eating was because recovering 100% from my past eating disorder (which I never thought was possible) has made me realize that there is nothing really holding me to lexapro anymore.

Anxiety isn’t going to harm me, and im confident in myself that I won’t recognize myself as someone with anxiety anymore.

I don’t think twice about what i eat, how i look. I never do body checks anymore. Nothing. Never turn down food. Never feel guilty about food, never feel bad about my body in an eating disorder mentality. Im actually at a weight that is extremely comfortable, but also it doesn’t matter. Idk how to explain it but I love myself at all of my stages. Literally the other day I genuinely felt my double chin was cute. Genuinely. Lol. I literally don’t care! I have ZERO time for that mindset anymore. This is the first time I’ve felt this way in a VERY long time.

fyi- Lexapro did not “fix” my eating disorder. I’ve been on lexapro for a few months. It actually kind of suppresses my appetite. There was a stage it made the thoughts worse. Its only in the last few weeks I just took on a completely different life that is completely free from all that control control control mindset! Im over it!

So yeah. This is probably last time im going to discuss most of this stuff because im letting it go! Like a canary free from its cage! I don’t want to be a part of that circular thinking anymore. I want to focus on what truly matters,

Happiness! Self expression! Art! And the simple pleasures of life. Analyzing every piece of my life, personality and intentions is over! I want to be freeeee! 🤗

Also im finished with meyers briggs and my identity crisis. My friends abd family think im infj? Its probably true. But why do I think im extroverted perceiver? Ugh idk. Who cares.

Why I am no longer a University student.

Yep. I am another one, who dropped out. Ah, boy.

No. I wasn’t bored.

No. It wasn’t impulsive.

And yeah… I was an alright student… 😉

Why did I drop out though? Or… why I am choosing to no longer study at University. I completed a year of Psychology, and in that year it became a huge part of my identity that I was someone who studied psychology.

At some point. yes I did want to be a therapist, but I started studying psychology out of fascination of the way people think – not limited to wanting to “help” people. My vision was never the pursuit of helping others. That doesn’t make me a bad person, or even a bad psychology student but realising that has helped me realise that I do not value the degree. I was studying in the present moment out of interest and a thirst to learn, I didn’t have a vision of what I wanted to do. I created a vision of what I could do but ultimately, I felt I wasn’t at my highest potential.

also. I wanted to meet other peoples ideals of me. guilty. Psychology became a role, I played the role well subconsciously. I met up to the ideal of what people thought of me, and that is why people will think I am making the wrong decision by not continuing. Its the ideal, you like and want to protect. I assure you.

Then, like way back in like early September 2016 I started to read into business, entrepreneurship and self mastery. Ever since I was young I had started online projects and even businesses, from a magazine, a fashion label, a youtube channel and then later on.. this project which is my blog. Which, isn’t actually me at my highest potential either.

Realistically, I was young and never used the right mindset in making my projects into something worthwhile. For instance – I was addicted to doing things all on my own. Now I know that you always need a team when you have a vision. i also was all luck and fate when I was younger – I had no strategies. I probably didn’t even know what that word mean’t. honestly.

Now, I am 21 and I don’t want to spend another two years studying. I don’t want to do that. Simple as that. I want to do what I want to do, which is to create and dominate. In all bluntness. The word dominate is a word most people wouldn’t think to describe me, but really I am an extremely competitive, dominating, pushy, confident, creative and artistic woman. I hide most of those things because all of those things… even the creative and artistic side in my lifetime at some point has been told to me is wrong. The dominant and competitive bossy/pushy/cocky side of me has also been shamed too. Maybe because that is more suited to a man. Lets be honest here. Its sexy on a man.

That is not to say I am not feminine, soft, gentle, nurturing, innocent, and accommodating too but… I am also a coin flip of that as well. Most women probably are, actually. I am just deciding to reclaim that part of myself because fuck me, I’ll be dead in 50 – 60 years tops and I don’t really have any desire to be doing anything other than what fuels my fucking flame.

What fuels my flame? Look back up to the bold.

All of this is a risk, of course. You know’ following my heart… I mean, far as I know maybe in 10 years time I’ll be a receptionist behind a counter staring at excel wishing I stayed in university and became a therapist… or a teacher or something.

But ultimately, that doesn’t matter either. Security to me, is a bit of an illusion. Sometimes for freedom, you have to be brave enough to risk your security. I’m a person who is kinda cool with that.

I want you to know though, this blog is not my passion either. I like it, and enjoy it but I am a visionary and I have a thirst and desire to implement my creative skills into inspiration. This blog is useful for what it is to those who gain from it, and I of course am passionate in it but it isn’t my highest potential. What I do wish to create over and over and over again, is something more unpredictable, chaotic and mesmerizing.. I’d hope.

I have an awful habit of keeping my ideas a secret until they are tangible, but that is only because I know ideas lead themselves. Though filming/photography/writing/content  is involved I am yet to define what it is.

So ya, I am a uni drop out! And I am super excited for everything else.

CIAO XX

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How to understand how you truly feel

I am the kind of person who seeks truth, because to me truth = meaning.

I want to know what does heal people, and then what simply doesn’t.

what is real and what is not real.

In a way the way I feel about psychology is the way many spiritual people feel about their faith. What gives me comfort is knowing why things are happening, and what it means.

I am not the kind of person who appreciates superficial thinking, sugar coating, and excuses. I respect truth, and that is all I try to give to this page.

And truthfully, I know I can’t help people. All I can do is provide resources and hope one day, something will eventually click where you make a choice to take back your life and power.

Honestly, that is all anyone can wait for. Something eventually will click with you and you will then decide to not let your current emotional situation control you anymore. Only you can make that happen.

Okay so predominantly I provide resources for those with ROCD, OCD and anxiety. I also provide other information related to relationships and self development.

One of the common patterns of Anxiety and OCD is these repetitive thought patterns that rotate over and over again.

(and while I am mentioning anxiety – if you have an eating disorder, you need to address that too as you can’t fully recover from anxiety without recovering from your eating disorder as your anxiety is most likely the symptom of being  in a state of starvation syndrome).

For a second I want you to stop labeling yourself with OCD (or anxiety).

and look at yourself as you are, and who you are at this current point.

This is who you are.

Perhaps you think of all your neurosis tendencies?

you think of your thoughts? your feelings? your partner? your arguments you have internally in your mind with yourself? or others? your self hatred?

This is normal…

but is that really who you are? were you really born into this earth to be a slave to those thoughts? and ultimately, distrust your mind?

No. You are born with a choice. perhaps not your situation, but your how you react, cope and think.

You see, one thing I notice in my support group is the feelings people attach to their thoughts.

Example:

“I feel betrayed”

Really we don’t FEEL betrayal. betrayal is not a feeling. We decided that we were going to label our actual feeling as BETRAYAL. You may feel sad, angry, or hurt as a result of betrayal. We hardly acknowledge these feelings, though.

Instead of actually separating our thoughts and feelings and addressing them both separately as their own art form, we mash it all together to create something that isn’t actually the truth.

Being able to accurately label the emotion you are experiencing is part of managing that emotion effectively.

“I feel I am going to be abandoned”

What might this mean? Perhaps: Fear?

“I feel abandoned”

perhaps you are feeling grief?

“I feel I don’t click with my partner”

but what do you feel? perhaps: boredom? disapproval? OR fear? distraction?

“I feel anxious”

yes but what kind of anxiety? perhaps its anger? or terror? perhaps its even anticipation? or joy? They all can FEEL similar.

I love it when people say
“I’ve never felt this way about someone before!”

because the first thing that comes to my mind is… ecstasy.

In fact I am sure people who take ecstasy might have said that statement before 😉

Those are normal feelings, you can acknowledge these feelings as they are. not try and tell yourself you shouldn’t feel that way ever.

As you can see, there is a lot of room for error when we just go with our initial thoughts and reactions. With self discovery we find truth, and we learn to feel okay and safe in these feelings as we have payed them the attention and acknowledgement they deserve.

You can do this too.. all it takes is a little mindfulness.

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I believe in you and your OCD / ROCD

SOCIETY_

Early this afternoon I was sitting in a coffee shop and I felt quite overwhelmed just thinking inside my head – which was kind of unusual for myself to be bored of.

Then, a man asked me if I had seen “The Thing”, which I hadn’t seen but that didn’t matter because he continued to talk about the film and all the other films he was obsessed with. Shortly after that, he professed he is (in his own words) “obsessive compulsive” and his obsessive thoughts are around films. He sees a film, he must see it four more times. $80, gone.

Now, we can assume this isn’t really a big deal? his obsessive thoughts are about films? You see, that is the thing about OCD is, really a lot of the time the obsessive thoughts aren’t really always “bad” but of course, they can be considered “bad” too.

The conventional OCD most people know which is about neatness, cleanliness, whether you locked the door or not – is normalized, and we understand how it is debilitating because to some degree we are educated about it.

I’m not going to go on and try explain a strangers condition, but really when you empathize you can see how that could effect his life. How those thoughts and obsessions make it difficult to see who he truly is and of course, how his compulsions lead him to spend a lot of money and time on something he wishes not to do and ultimately could make his life very difficult.

ROCD is this too, and ocd and general. It is a cycle of obsessive thoughts that are then “fixed” temporarily through a compulsion. A way to control a situation. It then makes your life significantly debilitating.

But you know why it is so debilitating most of all?

That there still seizes to be a huge shameful stigma around it.

This stigma exists because of a lack of education, and there for a lack of empathy and understanding.

So people are left in the dark, to try and cope with these intrusive thoughts in their life.

Today, I am telling YOU if you have any kind of intrusive thought / compulsion symptoms in your life.

IT IS REAL.

IT IS VALID.

I BELIEVE YOU.

Why? because it might not be because I know you personally – since most people who read my blog do not know me personally…

However the reason I know it is real, valid and that I believe you is because –

why would it not be real and valid? and why would i not believe you?

Simply that – no other questions.

My next article will be on moving away from social stigma in order to heal.

Much love, Chloe.

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Do I really love my partner?

Love is our highest value – yet love is also the source of considerable anxiety.

DO I REALLY LOVE

This post is for those with ROCD and Relationship anxiety*

As humans, we like to put things in boxes. we like to define things with words, meanings and symbols. It helps us reassure ourselves that we’re normal.

These symbols, meanings and words also make us feel that we are not experiencing love the way we ‘should be’. Love has become a construct, it has become romanticized so much we actually believe that the way we love someone will stay the same or should stay the same for the rest of our lives.

Society not so subtly suggests that we must love in a very particular way. Constantly thrilled to see the partner, long to see them, crave to be close to them. The passion,  sexual tension and desire towards an individual will remain from years and years to come.

DO I REALLY LOVE (1)

We give in to the ideal that we must live in romantic ecstasy throughout our lives.

beautiful in theory? but out of line towards our real experiences of intimacy.

Well, here is a different notion of ‘love’, which actually is not new – but quite old.

Actually I’m talking real old… like ancient greek.

Ancient Greek has four distinct words for love: érosphilía and agápe (there is also storgē – which is more family related)

éros

“love mostly of sexual passion” The powerful feelings we have at the start of the relationship.

philía

Normally translated as “friendship”, though its more deeper than that. Perhaps, companionship? “One might be willing to die for philía.”

agápe

A charitable love. Unconditional love. The love we may feel towards someones character flaws, anger or emotional outbursts. Even though there are flaws of the persons character, we still feel compassion. Like a mother towards her children, or a god towards his children. Or what an audience might feel towards an evil yet damaged character.

lovetrue

I find these words more sincere than the word “love”, they are real yet they hold a higher value to the romanticized definition of love. Maybe its because love is about acceptance, compassion, loyalty, equality, virtue and familiarity – its not just a feeling it is also the act of understanding a person.

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