Told myself last night (and others too) that I’m no longer posting on itsmindful. Mainly because i don’t have a laptop, but with a lot to do with I’m moving past being so focused on labels, diagnosis, mental health in general. Not that I’m not focusing on my mental health, but I’ve come to the relisation to be free from anxiety i need to be free from it completely.
So first of all. Im going off my medication. Today is day three. No lexapro!
Why was i on medication? Well, i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. But the ruler of most of my problems was my obsessions with food. My “eating disorder”.
If you know much about either of those diagnoses is that, both issues come with very similar symptoms. In my own understanding and many others, is you cannot fully heal from anxiety if you have not fully healed from the eating disorder.
Why? Because if you under eat, and its actually a lot easier than you think to under eat you put your body in a state of starvation syndrome.
Starvation syndrome effects how your brain functions. So you experience social changes, dissociative tendencies, a preoccupation with food and weight and also anxiety… I remember at my worst it wasn’t anxiety it was straight up paranoid.
Anyway. In my full and open honesty, I didn’t want to get better when i was in starvation syndrome. And I’ve only just got out of it all in the last month or so.
Amazing things happen when you eat in abundance, live life in abundance and do what you love.
OKAY so. Where am I even going with this.
Im going off it because of a few reasons.
1. I’ve learnt lessons about my physical health that I want to take on without medication so i have a more holistic approach to my mental health.
2. Im beginning to feel numb. Detached. “Ehhh”. I didn’t mind it at first because i was at a different stage of recovery, but now… I want to feel my full self again. For a while lexapro helped me feel myself (from comparison to a very anxious self) but now i feel I’m missing something. 😦 i miss chlooooee
3. I miss my irrational side. Like im just tooooo rational at the moment. Too logical. Its not me ??? For a bit I blamed my ex, “ugh he made my like this”. (Sorry I don’t actually blame u) took me time to tell myself: hun, you’re detached from your emotions. Which isn’t you. Its probably because you’ve been on medication long enough.
4. I guess my labido did change! Because now I’ve been off lexapro for three days, there has been a HUGE difference in my labido. 😤 all this time!
5. I’ve noticed I don’t fully connect with others or empathize as whole heartedly as i use to. Again… detached. Not into it!
OK. So this post is a real mess. But the reason I wanted to share about my eating was because recovering 100% from my past eating disorder (which I never thought was possible) has made me realize that there is nothing really holding me to lexapro anymore.
Anxiety isn’t going to harm me, and im confident in myself that I won’t recognize myself as someone with anxiety anymore.
I don’t think twice about what i eat, how i look. I never do body checks anymore. Nothing. Never turn down food. Never feel guilty about food, never feel bad about my body in an eating disorder mentality. Im actually at a weight that is extremely comfortable, but also it doesn’t matter. Idk how to explain it but I love myself at all of my stages. Literally the other day I genuinely felt my double chin was cute. Genuinely. Lol. I literally don’t care! I have ZERO time for that mindset anymore. This is the first time I’ve felt this way in a VERY long time.
fyi- Lexapro did not “fix” my eating disorder. I’ve been on lexapro for a few months. It actually kind of suppresses my appetite. There was a stage it made the thoughts worse. Its only in the last few weeks I just took on a completely different life that is completely free from all that control control control mindset! Im over it!
So yeah. This is probably last time im going to discuss most of this stuff because im letting it go! Like a canary free from its cage! I don’t want to be a part of that circular thinking anymore. I want to focus on what truly matters,
Happiness! Self expression! Art! And the simple pleasures of life. Analyzing every piece of my life, personality and intentions is over! I want to be freeeee! 🤗
Also im finished with meyers briggs and my identity crisis. My friends abd family think im infj? Its probably true. But why do I think im extroverted perceiver? Ugh idk. Who cares.